1 M and A

M wasn't really a cultural elitist, but A probably sees him in a real stereotype.

Maybe it's because he is in an open relationship; maybe it's because he is really really pretty, and aggressive. Maybe it's because he never tried to hide his personality and experience.

M mentioned he joined a foursome a few weeks ago, and he fucked a man.

As M went to the toilet, A sat in bed and asked aloud, 'Are you straight or bisexual?'

'It's none of your business', M said snappishly in the toilet. He paused for a few seconds, and changed his tone, 'although I had sex with man, I still think I'm straight, and I only fuck feminine men.'

M has long curly hair and a fringe, and many people say he looks like a woman. But A thinks he's not girly, and he doesn't look gay. He sprinkles his denim jacket with acrylic paint, pins a row of shiny paper clips on the sleeve, and sticks his nose ring in the brim of the hat.

A treated M as a player from the start. M felt offended after having realized this.

He started to speak repeatedly, ' My sex life is not as messy as your imagined. '

and then later, the sentence became: 'I don't think you will ever know me.' 'I think it is because of the cultural gap.'

'You only find me as an interesting British, but you will never find out who I really am, maybe it's because of the language.'

M sometimes can't quite understand what A‘s saying. Sometimes she's guttural, sometimes she has a serious big tongue.

A texted her friend X and said, 'I find that my English is better when I'm talking about some deep ideas.

X replied, ' Maybe it's because deep things about humans are connected and intuitive people are better at talking about abstract things.

If you want to say some everyday things, like charging a utility bill for a repair, it requires more precision in vocabulary.

It's like, there are many ways to say that you lost your loved ones, but not so many ways to say that the U-pipe of the sewer in my kitchen is broken. '

2 Skin sex

Sometimes it is difficult for people to tell whether they are actually sexually attracted to a person or they are just sexually aroused because they have done something intimate.

M would sometimes come to A's flat on a weekday when he needed to get up early because A's house happened to be only two stops away from his workplace. On M's third request to stay overnight, A couldn't stand it longer and said, "You have to pay for the accommodation today! One pound!

M replied, 'I will buy you drinks tonight.'

Inside the bar, A pressed her nails gently against M's arm, scratching his skin, and asked him, 'Did you know there's a kind of sex called skin sex?'

' No, is this it?'

' Well... You could call it skin sex but it's not really, it's just an asmr feeling----- But did you know that skin contact is actually more necessary for people than orgasm ------ orgasm is something that can be done by one person but skin contact is not ---

' Shh shh shh shh --- ' M interrupted her immediately. A always had too much to say in romantic moments. ' I'm enjoying myself. Let's have skin sex! '

So for many nights, M and A's foreplay wasn't kissing or anything, it was lying naked in bed, running their fingertips over each other's bodies ---- starting with their arms, down their backs, and up to their waists, sometimes tickling a little and making each other shiver gently.

M doesn't often get to orgasm from a blow job, but A is kind of an exception. But the orgasm A brought to M actually annoys him. Because A can't help but let loose with laughter when she's making out with him.

Without being narcissistic, girls he used to have sex with always looking at his face and sigh in intoxication, you're so fucking good-looking. Never was there a girl that was so uncommitted to having sex with him ---- A was always laughing out loud inexplicably when he happened to be getting into it.

M said, 'could you please not laugh when I'm having sex with you? you only think I'm a funny British, don't you ?'

A immediately apologized to M, said that she promise not to laugh next time.

M said, I don't need your promise! you are the least sexual person I have ever met.

After M‘s orgasm that morning, A told him: " now you owe me another one. "

What A actually meant is that M owe her another orgasm;

But M got her idea wrong. He thought A was asking him for a second pound after the accommodation fee. He replied, 'Yeah, I owe you two pounds now.'

A realized that M didn't get what she meant, but she went along with him and said, 'Your orgasm is so cheap.'

There was silence in the air for a second, then they both squeezed a laugh out of their noses.

M asked A in the bar, do you have any local friends? A said, 'I don't, I don't have any friend here.' M wondered why A didn't have many friends. He told her that she is one of the funniest person he ever met.

A said she didn't know why she didn't have any friends, probably because the people she met at work were all stupid and dull; plus she had absolutely no time to make friends.

M said, 'It's okay, I'll be your friend then.'

3 Dopamine Tool man

A is really good at telling jokes. Her girlfriend O has the same sense of humor; They share a common belief that humor is their own social pattern, but also a self-defense method. Maybe they wouldn't be so funny if they didn't have the constant self-doubt of 'whether people like them'.

A and O's relationship escalated from a peculiar experience. O had a two-month-long booty call called Mohammed in her senior year. She learned some blow job and hand job techniques from him, and sometimes shared them with A.

After one of the sharing sessions, O licked her mouth and complained to A that her gums had been bleeding recently.

A randomly asked, "Well, you couldn't get AIDS from giving someone a blow job when your gums are bleeding, could you?'

From the moment A asked the question, O began a two-year-long journey of Aids-phobia, with A as the first witness, accompanying O through three HIV tests, from which they formed a deep and revolutionary friendship.

But Mohammed and O had never had real sex, there were only hand jobs and blow jobs.

Both A and O thought it was a bit strange at that time, but neither of them thought it through. Mohammed's own words to explain this was, ' I'm so good at the real sex that you wouldn't be able to bear it if we actually do that. '

"Dopamine tool man" is a term created by A to describe lovers who give her the necessary hormone-generated pleasure, but are not very serious lovers.

A formal date is considered as a 50% dopamine tool man, a booty call is considered as a 100% dopamine tool man, and a 30% dopamine tool man may have the potential to become a future partner.

How many dopamine tool men have A found? She tried to count how many there are, but she eventually gave up. If there is someone asks how many people she fucked again in the future, she will just answer 99, because 99 resets to 1 in somewhat oriental philosophy.

A went to Barcelona alone the last summer before covid19.

On the day she left, she was going to take the metro to the airport, but accidentally got on the wrong train and went straight to another city. A not only missed her own flight but also missed the last flight back to London that day.

A was so dizzy and angry on the way back to Barcelona on the train; she remembered that a guy on a dating app asked her out the night before, but she didn't go;

In such a hapless today, it is better to go straight to have sex first, and then staying in his logically over the night.

Not until A sat down at his house has A realized that he was from Cairo, believed in Islam, and chose not to engage in penetrative premarital sex.

But he is a very friendly guy. Shortly after dinner, He told A, if you don’t mind, I’m going to pray now.

When A was sitting on the bed and watching him pray, she suddenly remembered the man Muhammad;

She picked up the phone and sent a message to O: ‘I finally know why Muhammad wouldn't have real sex with you! ’

4 the significance of edges

Lacan talks about the significance of edges —— how sex is not so much the urge to get inside, or the urge to have something within one, so much as the desire to oscillate across the threshold established between inside and outside. Thus the parts which are the landmarks to our entrances are desirable —— lips, anus, labia, slit at the tip of the penis, eyelid, and ear —— but not the liver, not the lungs.

5 X, J, Asshole's Paradox

X had a lover named J. They loved so much, that they are just like contemporary Romeo and Julia. The crucial parents are the visa, distance, life goal, and money.

J was a two meters tall man whose tinder profile is "call me sheep" in Chinese.

J had only had one girlfriend for five years before he meet X. X was good at sex and very kinky; she is able to satisfy every sexual fantasy for J.

They fell madly in love.

One day, during sex, J asks X for rimming after J looked at X with affections and said, "I'm so glad we had our first experience like this for each other.''

X hesitated and replied, "But it wasn't my first time. .... "

J was shocked and asked who she have done this with.

X said it was Dre.

J knew who Dre is; he was a German man who's almost 40 years old.

He had seen Dre's IG, Dre was a photographer who travelled around the world, and he's that kind of photographer who always has tons of pictures of girls on their Instagram page; and everyone can see not only he shoot them, but also fucked them.

that old man was so cringe, J thought.

He buried his head under the blanket and did not poke his head out for a long long time.

This incident did not fade until he broke up with X; he always felt humiliated, and the feeling of humiliation evolved into his denial of his relationship with X.

6 the dew lover

• dew lover: the type of lover who just like dews, appear on the grass in the morning, and disappears when the sunrise.

During the pandemic, A and her gay friend Z is isolated together in a hotel at the edge of the country. They were not allowed to step out of the room for 7 days.

Z swiped a lot on dating apps in this one week quarantine, that his cyber lovers can actually fit into a van. One of them came to see him on the bridge under their hotel, bought some naan(the local food we don't have a chance to eat), and send him a photo of the lightning in the sky on the other side of the hotel.

A rushed to her room window to see the real-time romance progress when she saw Z's messages'; her heart melted when she saw the man in the mask standing on the bridge in rain.

But Z's message in the chatbox feels very sad and disappointed. He said that the guy was nothing different from other dew lovers.

"Anyway, I will go home immediately after the quarantine, and I will never see most of them again; if this is the case, it is better not to meet them at all. if I just look at him from a distance, I can still have a vague romantic thought.

A asked him, did you not hook up anymore?

Z said, boring. people always told me that they liked me after having sex with me. It was so obvious that hormones affected their brain.

A think Z is right; people become so boring if they expressed too much.

Z said, so my profile has changed now! I changed it to the kind of ‘finding a partner to live together. What we will be doing every day, is to sort out things like chai, rice, oil, salt, sauce, and vinegar tea. Even so, there are still people who come up and use their dick to talk!

A said ok, we will wait until there's a lover who is just like spring water.

7

A sometimes reviews some scenes when M is in her flat in her head.

The windows of high-rise buildings in London can only be opened with a small slit. In order not to trigger the smoke alarm, M will get into the gap between the window and the curtain if he wants to smoke. A don't smoke, but she will get into the curtain with him.

A remembers the moment which M turns on his lighter and the warm, red lightened his side face. He's naked, with a Chinese tattoo on his chest, which means ‘ape’.

She told M, it's the most cinematic scene she has ever seen in her life.

The stars on the high-rise buildings in the canary wharf reflect on the window, and they just squeezed quietly behind the curtains, enjoying the night view of the city's richest area in the slit of the windows.

M's image did not become clear in A's mind until one year after the quarrel.

A rejected M skin sex's request that day; lying on the bed, M said, ‘you will never know me because of cultural differences! "

At that time, A thought ‘I was never trying to get to know you, but tears fell out of her eyes, she put on his coat and left her home.

A really never plan to know M, as a friend or a person. She didn't really plan to know anyone around her back then ---- to her, they were just dopamine tools men.

As for these sexual desires, it's aroused only by touches, it only exists at this moment: it doesn't come from the past, nor will it come again in the future.

Maybe she needs the dopamine to fill the inevitable feeling of drifting, and it is the only resistance she could do against life and the inevitable loss of important items. She has the tendency to destroy everything in important relationships, as is the only thing one can grasp.

' I am looking for nothing serious ! ' she said this to everyone. and she jinxed herself.

Although after many days and nights, she realized nothing serious has a different meaning to M. Things M said to her when he was so mad, does not come from cultural elitism;

She remembered seeing the star lights on the towers further away, which will disappear in the early morning countless times; they're always trembling, twinkling with rhythms, looks like they're finding convincing excuses, for not being loved, or heard, before the dawn.