https://youtu.be/I_vcRfkXTrY

https://youtu.be/WHO5O5AkWlU

1. Types of love in a relationship

Further exploring

When you think of all the relationships in your life, it’s easy to see there are different types of love. We love our family, our pets, our friends and even our careers. We find fulfillment from each of these relationships, and that makes them important for our overall happiness. Yet romantic love is the true essence of life.

There are two types of romantic love: passionate love and compassionate love, also known as companionate love. When you combine these two types, you create an ideal relationship filled with commitment, intimacy and physical desire. Passionate love

Passionate love is the type you often associate with the beginning of a relationship, when you feel intense emotion toward the other person as well as strong sexual attraction. It seems like you can’t stop thinking about that person, and you want to be near them all the time. You talk for hours because you want to know everything about them.

There are downsides to passionate love. You can idealize a partner that you are passionately in love with, turning a blind eye to red flags. You can also idealize the relationship itself, believing that it’s perfect and you are soul mates. That leaves you open to disappointment when the passion does begin to fade. Remember that in relationships as in life, the greatest rewards come from staying committed and doing the work.

Companionate love feels less intense than passionate love, but the truth is that it’s intense in a different way. This type of love is characterized by true long-term commitment, total trust in the other person and strong communication skills regarding your own feelings, concerns and needs.

Partners must be careful not to let companionate love take over the relationship. It’s easy to get comfortable and start acting more like friends or roommates than lovers. That’s because it’s so common in our society to think, “The passion just fades after a while.” Don’t fall for it. You can have both types of love in your relationship. Why is passion in a relationship important?

Love and relationships fulfill many of the Six Human Needs, such as significance, variety and giving. They’re exciting and inspiring, and they make life interesting. Passion in a relationship contributes to greater fulfillment – both in and out of the bedroom – as well as happiness and well-being. It can even predict relationship success.

As Tony says, “The quality of your life equals the quality of your relationships.” Wouldn’t you rather have a deep, passionate love than something that feels more like friendship? While companionate love is also important to a successful, long-term partnership, the bottom line is that life is too short to live a single moment without passion – especially in your relationship.

Signs of a passionate relationship

1. You want to know everything about the other person. Long conversations don’t have to stop once you’ve been together for a while. There’s always more to learn – and you want to know it all, good and bad.

2. You love everything about each other. This doesn’t mean you idolize each other. It means that you recognize your partner’s flaws and love them anyway. This fulfills their need for significance – one of the deepest of the six human needs.

3. You look forward to the future together. Common vision is a powerful thing. Are you excited about spending your life with your partner? That’s an important sign of passion in a relationship.

4. You make sacrifices for each other. Giving is the sixth human need, and it’s the biggest key to a passionate relationship. After all, “The secret to living is giving,” as Tony says, so finding ways to give in tangible and intangible ways, especially in moments of spontaneity, can keep passion thriving.

5. You’re affectionate with each other. Touch is intimate – even small gestures like hand holding while walking or touching your partner’s knee when you sit next to each other means you’re connected in a special way.

6. You can say what’s on your mind. It can also mean sharing negative feelings without fear of your partner acting irrationally. You know how to communicate and resolve conflicts without fighting so that you can say what you feel without fear.

7. You have fun together. Yes, fun! Passion in a relationship isn’t all about lust in the bedroom. Strong couples have date nights, make new memories and laugh together. Variety is one of the six human needs, and it’s important in relationships, too. Keep things exciting.

8. You can be vulnerable together. Emotional intimacy is a hallmark of companionate love, and is just as essential as physical intimacy to a passionate relationship. Are you comfortable being vulnerable and telling your partner your most intense dreams and fears? That’s passionate love.

9. Your partner inspires you. They push you to grow and become a better person. Growth is the fifth human need: If you’re not growing, you’re dying – and that includes your relationship.

10. You’re committed to making it work. Sometimes life happens and relationships become less passionate. But you’ll recognize it, communicate about it and fix it, and that’s one of the signs of a passionate relationship. Increase the passion in your relationship

You’ve probably heard people say, “Passion doesn’t last,” or “Passionate relationships never work out.” It’s true that passion in a relationship might dwindle, but you can get it back. “Focus determines direction. If you’re focused on building a beautiful, passionate relationship, that’s what you’ll achieve.”

Don’t settle for a relationship that’s just “okay.” This is your life partner – your one true love. Wouldn’t you do anything for them? You’ve already built a deep, lasting connection. Now you must commit to saving that connection and rekindling the passion in your relationship.

Relationships aren’t going to be all firecrackers all the time. But when you have passionate love, there are always embers burning. You can have a fulfilling relationship with your partner – the time to start is now.

2. The ultimate relationship guide

1. Building strong relationships: treat your relationship as a place you go to GIVE, not to GET

This is the number one tip from Tony and Sage Robbins on relationships: You must look at your relationship as a place that you go to give, not a place that you go to get. This means you are always looking to fulfill your partner’s relationship needs ahead of your own. You only want to make your partner happy.

Everyone shares Six Human Needs that drive everything we do, and the way we fulfill them determines the decisions we make and the path we take. Your relationship can fulfill all six of these needs for both you and your partner – certainty, significance, variety, love and connection, growth and contribution – but you must both commit to putting the other person first.

You don’t need to just support your partner. You must absolutely live to light them up. This is how you can be a better partner and a better person. When you exist in this state, energy, vitality and passion come naturally – and your relationship reaches a whole new level. 

2. Take 100% responsibility for your relationship

All of Tony’s strong relationship tips are based on a single principle: You are responsible for the quality of your life. You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can control your own emotions. This is the essence of Results Coaching: You can commit to CANI in your relationship just as you do in your career and your personal growth.

Here’s a Tony and Sage relationship tip that may surprise you: Love is a choice. Maybe not at first – when we’re in the throes of falling in love, the passion and connection are undeniable. But relationship stressors are inevitable: We have families, or money is tight, or we face health issues. Passion fades, and while what’s left may be a nice, comfortable friendship, it’s not what it used to be.

No matter what happens, Tony and Sage take 100% responsibility for their relationship. They choose to focus on the good, to make decisions that put their partner first and to always remember that they are a team. They intentionally reignite the passion and have fun together. Because they know that the quality of your relationship depends on what you put into it. 

3. Don’t allow expectations to destroy your relationship

It’s easier than ever to compare your relationship to others, but if you want to know how to keep a relationship strong and happy, you must resist. This doesn’t mean you don’t need standards. Standards are what you will accept right now: The way your partner treats you and others in the present moment. Standards like having similar values can be vital to successful relationships, and raising your standards can bring you greater fulfillment.

Expectations are the ways we want our partner to behave in the future. They’re informed by our past experiences of the way things “should” be, and when they’re not met, we feel massive disappointment that can turn into frustration and anger. Yet we’re not really upset with the other person. We are upset that they broke our “rules” – rules that they may not even know exist.

What if instead of expecting our partner to read our minds or holding them to impossible standards, we made the decision to appreciate them? Both Tony and Sage would agree: “Trade your expectations for appreciation and the world changes instantly.” Building strong relationships depends on it. 

4. Foster and cultivate polarity

Do you know a couple who can’t seem to keep their hands off each other? They’re crazy in love – even after years or decades. They make each other laugh and defuse arguments with humor. Chances are that like Tony and Sage, they know how to keep a relationship strong and happy by leveraging polarity.

Polarity is a natural energy that is either feminine or masculine. It isn’t dependent on gender, but rather on how we experience the world. The feminine energy is open, free-spirited and intuitive, made to give and receive love. The masculine energy is focused, decisive and strong, made to achieve goals and fulfill a purpose.

At the beginning of a relationship, polarity is what creates that undeniable pull of attraction. Over the long-term, that spark can fade, but when you embrace your energy and the energy of your partner, you can cultivate polarity and discover how to make your relationship stronger than ever.

5. Establish daily rituals to create moments of joy

Planning your relationship sounds like the opposite of romance, right? Yet the truth is that if you wait until you’re “in the mood,” the moment may never come. That’s why one of the best tips for how to make your relationship stronger is to establish daily rituals. It’s one of the ten cardinal rules of love: reinforce your sense of connection through positive anchors.

These daily rituals don’t have to be intimate – although scheduling sex is also one of the top strong relationship tips. It’s more important that they provide certainty and connection, two of the basic relationship needs. They are traditions that remind you to fully experience life with your partner and your family – and to harness the ultimate power of presence.

ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP

If you want your woman to be fully alive – if you want her core, her passion, her energy – then the first thing you must understand is her fundamental needs. When you meet those needs, you will help her step into her true self. Her beautiful, feminine energy will radiate like never before! She will open up to you, she will draw you in, and you will create a closer connection and a deeper level of intimacy than you ever imagined possible.

Key 1 LET HER VENT TO YOU.

Key 2 VALIDATE HER FEELINGS.

Key 2 DON’T TRY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM; INSTEAD, FOCUS ON JUST LISTENING.

NEED #1: Women need to feel understood. Women need a reason to make love – men just need a place. Remember, women are incredibly sensitive to context. When a woman doesn’t feel understood, she closes up. She becomes less feminine and shifts into a more masculine facade. When a woman does feel understood, however, she relaxes. She feels more comfortable and continues to open up, which allows you to form a closer bond. Women need that type of connection to trust you, and trust is necessary for intimacy.

Key 4: REGULARLY EXPRESS WHAT YOU APPRECIATE ABOUT HER.

Key 5: LEAVE ELECTRONIC DEVICES OUT OF THE BEDROOM AND GIVE HER YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

Key 6 TAKE TIME TO NOTICE WHAT USUALLY GOES UNNOTICED.

NEED #2: Women need to feel seen You may love your woman, but that doesn’t mean you make her feel seen. And women do not want to feel invisible – especially to their partners. Your presence is one of the greatest gifts you can give to her. Look her in the eyes when you speak to her. Take the time to notice the details. Pay her sincere compliments, not just about her appearance, but about her positive habits or behavior.

Key 7: MAKE DECISIONS. WOMEN FEEL UNSAFE WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE WISHY-WASHY.

Key 8 PUT YOUR WOMAN FIRST. SHOW HER THAT SHE IS YOUR PRIORITY.

Key 9 TAKE CARE OF HER! BE HER ROCK. BE RELIABLE.

NEED #3: Women need to feel safe. Because of their evolutionary history and innate physical dierences, women are biologically wired to feel like they need protection. When you understand this, you can begin to see the reason behind some behaviors, like if she tries to exert control over a situation. While it’s not something you have to just tolerate, you can be loving and start to appreciate what she is going through. Dierent things make women feel unsafe, and your job is to discover what those are. She may feel unsafe over little things. And instead of being annoyed by it, your job is to be understanding and show compassion and love. Because when a woman does feel safe, she opens up, she connects, and she feels free to dive into passion.

If you want to create polarity in your relationship, if you want that intense attraction to your man, then you must allow him to step into his masculine core. And to do this, the first thing you must understand is his fundamental needs. Because when you meet those needs, you will unleash his masculine energy - which is a force of nature. A man who is connected to his masculine core knows who he is, what he wants and where he’s going. And when that energy meets its feminine counterpart, passion and intimacy are o the charts.

Key 1: STOP FOR A MOMENT AND JUST APPRECIATE WHAT YOUR MAN BRINGS TO THE TABLE. PRAISE HIM SINCERELY.

Key 2: BOAST ABOUT HIM TO OTHERS.

Key 3: CELEBRATE THE SMALL VICTORIES.

NEED #1: Men need to feel appreciated. For a man, criticism is like kryptonite. Criticism will destroy any possibility of connection. Sometimes, you may think you are merely “coaching” a man, but that’s not how they interpret it. All it does is distance him. If you can sincerely make him your hero, you’ll own his heart – and he’d do anything for you.

Key 4: GIVE OWNERSHIP TO YOUR MAN. DON’T MICROMANAGE.

Key 5: ASK HIM FOR HIS INPUT. SHOW HIM YOU VALUE HIS OPINION.

Key 6: ENCOURAGE HIM TO GO DO! “WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY MAKES ME HAPPY.”

NEED #2: A man needs to feel free. When you start to control a man – no matter how much he loves you – rage, anger or resentment start to build up inside him. Men need to feel free. That allows their masculine core to shine through. They can take care of you, take charge, and take ownership of their life.

Key 7: STEP INTO YOUR FEMININITY. BE WARM, OPEN AND AFFECTIONATE.

Key 8: BE IN YOUR OWN ELEMENT. THAT’S WHAT HE LOVES ABOUT YOU.

Key 9: DON’T REPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS, SHARE THEM WITH HIM.

NEED #3: Men need to feel opened up to If he feels that you’re closed o, he doesn’t try harder to connect, instead he shuts down. What makes men really respond is when you open up to them. Because when you’re open, your radiance is flowing – your heart, your laughter and your smile flows. Even your pain can flow. And when you are flowing, it creates a current of connection that creates a deeper level of intimacy than ever before.

3. How your focus and decisions determine the quality of your relationship

PODCAST:

https://www.tonyrobbins.com/podcasts/love-is-a-choice-and-the-choice-is-yours/

Imagine you’ve just bought a brand new car. It’s the car of your dreams, the one you’ve spent so many years dreaming of and wishing for, and you finally bought it. You leave it in the parking lot to go to work and when you get back, you find a scratch. How do you react?

Maybe you’re jumping and screaming, pulling your hair out, absolutely enraged that someone had the audacity to scratch your car. You do some research and find that you can carefully buff out the scratch if you take the time and effort to do it. So you clean the surface where the scratch is, polish the area, then clean again with an expensive solvent to remove waxes and oils before painstakingly applying the paint.

A week or two passes by, and you leave the car parked in the grocery store lot while you go inside. You come out and what do you find? A dent on your rear bumper. Now you’re really riled up. Your brand new car, the one you’ve just spent what seems like an eternity to repair a scratch on, has a DENT.

This time you go to a professional to fix the problem. It takes a few days and a lot of money, but the dent is almost invisible now. Another close call!

But what happens by the time you get your sixth or seventh scratch? You don’t bother to buff out those scratches anymore, and you can’t just take the car in for body work every time there’s a tiny ding. You start to let it go and, at some point, you stop caring. Who cares if the car has a scratch? It has six other ones already. Right?

What if we stop talking about your car and start talking about your relationship in this scenario? What if instead of an owner’s manual, you need a relationship guide?

Truly extraordinary and successful relationships don’t come to people because they are lucky, unusually well-matched, completely similar or drowning in great chemistry. Extraordinary, loving, long-lasting, healthy relationships are the products of hard work, determination and the applied practice of the laws of love. Learning how to never question the intent of your partner, to take the time to appreciate what makes them unique and wonderful and finding ways to interrupt negative or repetitive patterns in fun and interesting ways are just three of the laws that can help you create an extraordinary relationship.

There are seven master skills we can learn, practice, hone and apply via 10 disciplines of love and passion. These master skills and disciplines are at the heart of Tony’s approach to relationship advice, and – spoiler alert – they work, no matter who you are or what stage of a relationship you’re in. When you harness the power of skills like giving freedom to your partner and embracing unconditional love and compassion, you open the door to a relationship that is more fulfilling than you could ever dream. Imagine living with and loving someone who is your number one fan and your best friend. When you follow Tony Robbins’ relationship guide, you can have that type of relationship

Many people focus too much on what to look for in a relationship. Remember that before you can create the healthy relationship that you want, you first must work on yourself. The key is to live as your authentic self, in control of your fear. When you raise the standards to which you hold yourself, you’ll not only raise the standards of your relationship, but you’ll also help bring out the best in your partner. Always being angry, sad or jealous in a relationship can be attributed to yourself, rather than your partner.

In this relationship guide, you will find tools for exploring and evaluating the secrets to relationship success that will lead you to the fulfilling relationship you’ve always wanted. You will learn to turn up the passion and joy that you share with the person you love, or to identify what you want in your next relationship and what has been restraining you from finding the fulfillment you deserve. You will develop the ability to create and sustain a healthy, supportive, long-lasting relationship that speaks to your standards and core values.

You will also discover the tools you need to guide you and your relationship through the most difficult of times, helping you and your partner cope with feelings of worry, stress and uncertainty. You will learn how to focus on being compassionate and understanding instead of being right, and to always understand that it’s when your partner is being the most uncooperative or distant that they need your love the most.

In this groundbreaking relationship guide, you’ll also learn how to rekindle a passionate, extraordinary relationship, how to cope with challenges that inevitably arise and how to cultivate and sustain your relationship for constant growth and optimal joy and fulfillment. You’ll be reminded that flexibility is at the core of every healthy relationship and how letting go of attachment and the need to be right can take your relationship to new heights. You’ll also learn when not to be flexible – it’s just as important to be able to identify when your core values are being threatened in a relationship.

The Basics

The key to communication in relationships

What are the differences between straightforward exchanges of information and deep, connected levels of healthy communication in relationships? Learn how to practice effective communication by aligning you and your partners’ core values.

Rekindle the passion in your relationship

Learn how to spark passion back into your relationship. You’ll identify strategies for coping with the challenges that can bring your relationship down if you don’t use them as opportunities to take it to the next level.

How to resolve conflict and save your relationship

Consider two couples: one that uses conflicts to evolve their relationship and one that uses conflict to embed it, and etch it, into their relationship. Which one do you think will lead to fulfillment? Learn how to use conflicts to grow in this healthy relationship guide.

Forging the healthy relationship you deserve

What does a healthy relationship look and feel like? Learn about the playful power of polarity and how you can build trust with the one you love by showing that you can meet their core human needs even in the worst of times.

Overcome your relationship insecurities

Discover ways to ward off feelings of insecurity that may threaten your relationship. Tackle any romantic insecurities and create the lasting, healthy relationship you deserve.

Signs of a passionate relationship

Are you in a loving and intimate relationship with your partner? This relationship guide will give you the 10 signs of a truly passionate relationship.

4. Dive Deeper: Core Concepts and 10 guiding principles of an extraordinary relationship

Your relationship will only be as good as the standards you set for it. If you have low standards, you’ll get a low-quality relationship. These include the expectations you set for yourself. Ask yourself, how good of a partner am I? A strong and passionate partnership starts with you and the gratitude you feel for being with the person you love.

Do you want to be an extraordinary partner? Follow and practice the 10 guiding principles of an extraordinary relationship.

1. Never question the intent of your significant other or the nature of the relationship itself.

Just because you’ve experienced a problem today doesn’t mean the relationship itself is a problem. Always assume that the person with whom you’re in the relationship has good intentions, and remember that you are bound by a deep love for one another, no matter what.

2. Don’t correct your spouse.

This is one of the hardest relationship rules for those with a strong competitive nature. It doesn’t mean you allow your spouse to be wrong. It means that instead of arguing, you create a fun and effective pattern interrupt that you and your partner can use in order to change states easily.

3. Don’t get stuck in a repetitious pattern.

We all have patterns. They’re a way for our brains to save decision-making energy and can even be beneficial. Yet they also make it easy to get stuck in a rut. If things aren’t working, change your approach – your perception, actions, responsibility frame and more.

4. Never threaten the relationship.

While a little uncertainty makes a relationship exciting, “on again, off again” partnerships or those where one partner consistently threatens a breakup are never healthy. These behaviors create an imbalance of power – and healthy relationship rules are all about respect and equality.

5. Commit to CANI in your relationships.

Because growth is one of our most essential human needs, committing to CANI (constant and never-ending improvement) is the key to fulfillment not just in relationships, but in life. Develop a growth mindset and never accept a relationship that is anything less than extraordinary.

6. Appreciate and compliment the wonderful, fantastic and unique aspects of your partner.

To truly thrive, relationships require polarity, or different energies between partners. Masculine energies want to be appreciated. Feminine energies want to be understood. Making a point to compliment your partner every day fulfills both of those needs.

7. Never compare your relationship to that of others.

Comparing your relationship to others is a sure formula for disaster – and it’s hard to prevent. Everyone puts their best face forward on social media, but remember that you aren’t seeing behind the scenes. As long as you are happy with your relationship rules, no one else matters.

8. Remember that all upsets with another person are rules upsets.

Just like our patterns, we all bring expectations to a relationship about the way the other person needs to act or the way the relationship must be. Understand that your partner has different rules than you, but that doesn’t make their feelings less valid. Decide to value your relationship over your expectations.

9. Reinforce your sense of connection through positive anchors.

Positive anchors such as family rituals or annual traditions fulfill two of our deepest human needs for certainty and connection. They’ll bring you closer together, give you something to look forward to and create stability in your relationship.

10. Decide that it’s more important to be in love than to be right.

The only person you can control is yourself. Embracing healthy relationship rules and learning how to resolve conflict ultimately comes down to your personal choices. Choosing your relationship over being right will always avoid an argument and lead to fulfillment.

Ready to unlock an extraordinary life by experiencing the type of love you’ve only dreamed of? As you and your partner learn to consistently practice the 10 cardinal relationship rules for couples, you will experience a transformation in your partnership. Instead of feeling unbalanced in your relationship, struggling to get your needs met and meet your partner’s needs, you’ll begin to notice that the relationship is meeting both of your needs, drawing you closer together into a rewarding partnership.

5. What is the state of your union?

How often do you hear someone say they feel taken for granted by their partner? Have you ever felt that way yourself? Why do we treat our partners differently as time goes on, especially when they should be treated like the most important person in our lives? And what is that doing to the quality of our relationships?

In the beginning of a relationship, we tend to focus on how wonderful our partner is. Everything is new and exciting. We tell everyone about how great things are. And we will go to great lengths to make our partners feel special and important. But eventually – whether it is six months down the road, six years, or even 60 years – we hit a threshold, where things become familiar and we lose the thrill, the excitement, the energy. The relationship becomes stagnant, and eventually, if you don’t address these issues, the relationship dies.

So what do we do? How do we maintain that beautiful sense of wonder and passion for our partners? If your relationship has gotten sidetracked, don’t worry – it doesn’t have to be over. There are ways to make a relationship better.

LET GO OF YOUR RULES

In the beginning of a relationship, we don’t impose rules on our partners. We accept them as they are and even appreciate the things about them that are different. But, over time, we begin to construct beliefs that our partners should act, think and even feel a certain way. We expect things from them that we’d never expect from anyone else. And when they don’t adhere to those expectations, we withhold our unconditional love, or even worse than that, treat them with disdain and disregard.

Consider a man, for example, who has unconditional love for his grandchildren. In his eyes, they can do no wrong. It’s pure love, pure joy, pure bliss. And it fulfills him in a way nothing else does. Now why doesn’t he have that for his partner, who actually needs that from him more than anyone else? Why are there different rules at stake?

If you want to recapture the romance and learn how to make positive changes in a relationship, step back and ask yourself: “What do you worship about your partner? What makes him or her the most important person in your life?” Let go of the rules and start to shift your focus towards loving your partner for who they are instead of who you want them to be – because that’s who you fell in love with. Get out of your mind and into your heart. Stop living from a place of manufactured expectations and start living in the moment, sharing the love that you have inside for your partner.

APPRECIATE THE MASCULINE AND FEMININE

Too often, we try to make our partners exactly like us – and we expect them to communicate, behave and even think in the same way we do. When they deviate from those expectations, we grow frustrated and may even become short with them. But what if we started seeing our differences as gifts instead of obstacles to overcome?

As we know from the law of polarity, it takes opposing forces to sustain a successful relationship. One partner needs to bring a masculine energy to the relationship, and the other person needs to provide a feminine energy. Gender is irrelevant to polarity – a person can be masculine or feminine, there just needs to be contrasting energies for the relationship to flourish.

A masculine partner, for example, may grow frustrated by how emotional the feminine partner can be. The masculine energy will want the feminine energy to be more logical, like they are. But if their partner were more logical and ignored their emotional instincts, polarity would diminish. So by shifting the perspective to one of appreciation instead of frustration, they can see that the feminine dynamic is the perfect complement to the original partner’s masculine core. And the little things that could potentially frustrate and aggravate the masculine partner will start to excite and enliven them after this mindset shift.

Appreciate the intricacies of the masculine and feminine energies in your relationship. Where the masculine is about direction and mission, the feminine is about emotion and connection. Where the masculine seeks to feel appreciated, the feminine seeks to feel understood. And it is these differences that create passion – that spark that can bring us even closer to each other. By making the choice to shift your perspective toward appreciation, you will not only see your partner in a new light, you’ll learn how you can connect on an even deeper level.

GET IN STATE

The next step in improving your relationship is to start taking inventory of the state you bring to it.

When you have two people in a relationship that are both in a beautiful state — they are excited about each other, excited about life, are taking care of their bodies and are full of energy – what kind of relationship do you think they can create? They are going to be in a peak-state relationship, approaching anything and everything with love, passion and excitement; treating each other with respect and reverence.

Now, what if you get people who are in a good state? What kind of relationship is going to come out of that? If you said “good” – you’re right. But good is the enemy of great. Why would you settle for a good relationship when you could have amazing?

Now consider two people who are in lousy states. Even if they love each other, when two people in a relationship are both experiencing stress, frustration, aggravation or even depression, they will say and do things that they will ultimately regret. They will take things out on each other that they should have worked out independently. They will speak to their partners in hurtful ways. There will be little excitement, little passion, little joy. Over time, that can absolutely destroy a relationship.

BREAKING LOUSY STATE

Of course, life isn’t always ideal. Both people in a relationship won’t always be in a great state. There may even be times where both people aren’t in an okay state. But then it becomes imperative to learn how to break your bad state so you can show up for your partner in the best way possible.

When you see that your conversation is being run by a bad state, or you sense tension building between you and your partner, make the conscious decision to change your state. Take a walk. Take a shower. Eat a healthy snack. Drink some water. Go for a drive. Jump in a pool. Do something to change your physiology. Because, as Tony has taught us so well, if you make a radical change in your physiology – your breath, your movement, your facial expressions, your vocal qualities – you will instantly change your emotional state.

The other way to change your state is to shift your focus. As Tony says, “where focus goes, energy flows.” So step back and assess how you are approaching your relationship. How are you treating your partner? How are you making them feel? Shift your focus to love, kindness and compassion – the focus you undoubtedly had in the beginning of the relationship – and watch how you can shift your state.

Remember, love isn’t just a noun, it’s a verb, meaning, it requires action. If you want to sustain the love and passion and learn how to make positive changes in your relationship, it will take a concerted effort. When we forget how to appreciate each other and how to really show up for each other, we run the risk of doing irreparable damage over time. Even the smallest of wounds will have trouble healing without love and kindness. So make the decision to show up for your partner the way you did in the beginning. Treat them with the love and devotion that you did when you first got together. And you will see that when you learn how to do that, there won’t be an end.

6. How good of a partner are you?

What you will get from this article:

• Discover what makes a good partner

• Master how to be a better partner

• Learn the three relationship dimensions and identify yours

• Understand that to sustain a quality relationship you need to focus on your partner

• Unlock the strategies needed to positively shift your mindset about your relationship

How can I be a better partner?

How do you show up in your relationship – and for your partner? Do you consider yourself a good partner? What makes a good partner? Learning how to be a better partner takes a lifetime of practice and commitment, but the result is worth it: a stronger, more authentic relationship.

For so many of us, instead of asking how to be a good partner, we focus on what we are getting out of the relationship. It’s all about how our partner’s thoughts, feelings and actions impact us.

But what if we were to flip that focus into reverse and started putting our partners’ needs and wants first? What if we were to start focusing on giving instead of getting? How would this shift in mindset impact our relationship? Instead of asking “Are they a good partner?” the question becomes “Am I a good partner?”

Want to bring your best self to your relationship? What makes a good partner?

Everyone has different values and beliefs, goals in life and strengths and weaknesses they bring to a relationship. But there are several traits you can develop to learn how to become a better person in a relationship.

Self-awareness

The key to any deep, passionate relationship is understanding how you participate. Learning how to be a better partner requires you to look inward and develop self-awareness, or the ability to identify, understand and control your own emotions and behaviors. How do your fears, limitations and patterns get in the way of your capacity to connect – and stay connected – with the type of person who would light you up and who you could light up as well? What negative patterns have you developed that you subconsciously bring to your relationships? By working on your personal growth, you’re able to bring your best self to your partnership.

Empathy

If you want to maximize not only the quality of your relationship but the joy and fulfillment that you and your partner experience together, then it’s time to shift out of an egocentric mindset and to shift into serving your partner’s needs. Just think about it. There is nothing more intimate, nor any situation that brings out more of our fears or insecurities, than a romantic relationship. When you demonstrate how to be a better partner by practicing empathy, rather than exacerbate your partner’s angst, you step up and embrace the opportunity for connection.

Trustworthiness

Jealousy and possessiveness are two of the top causes of relationship arguments. Yet these are symptoms of a larger problem: insecurity and lack of trust. Trust is essential to any relationship, but how can you develop it? It starts with open and honest communication. This means practicing absolute courage and vulnerability, one of the Five Disciplines of Love. Communication enhances the sense of trust and security. Share your feelings and your dreams for the future. Be open about what you need and ask your partner to do the same. This will ultimately bring you closer together.

Positivity

No one is happy all the time, and it’s nearly impossible to always be in a good mood. Bringing positive thinking to your relationship – and to your life – isn’t about denying or suppressing negative emotions, but rather about working through them and continuing to see and appreciate the good in your partner. Don’t let your partner bear the brunt of your emotions. Always treat them with respect. Express how happy they make you. Remind them of all the things you love about them. Remember that as Tony says, “Trade your expectation for appreciation and the world changes instantly.” The three types of relationships

It is important to fully recognize what dimension relationship you are in at this moment – that is, what type of dynamic you bring to your partner. Before asking how to become a better person in a relationship, ask yourself: Are you living in a one-, two- or three-dimensional relationship? Even more importantly, what are you willing to do to show up for your partner and achieve the type of relationship you’ve always wanted?

One-dimensional relationship

You know when you are in a one-dimensional relationship because it’s all about you – not about you and your partner. Rather than focus on how to be a better partner, your focus is on your needs being met and what you’re getting. You are only in the relationship as long as you are getting what you want.

Those on the receiving end of a one-dimensional relationship will be left feeling alone, unsupported and isolated, not like they have a good partner. They will feel like they must sacrifice their desires or compromise their needs in order to exist peacefully in the relationship. And eventually, because those needs aren’t being met, they will seek out other ways to fulfill those needs, creating further distance and disconnection in the relationship.

This type of relationship is all about equality. Your focus is both on meeting your own needs as well as your partner’s. Your belief about what makes a good partner is, “I will take care of myself, you will take care of yourself. But if you can’t meet your own needs, then there’s nothing I can do about it.” This means you are still operating on an egocentric level.

It sounds fair, doesn’t it? Egalitarian. You do your part, I’ll do mine and let’s make this thing happen together. A true partnership. But while this may be great for a partnership, it’s devastating for polarity. If we are equal with our partners, there is zero polarity and zero passion. And the reality is that the vast majority of the population falls into this group, which creates unfulfilled relationships. Three-Dimensional Relationship

In a three-dimensional relationship, you step up and take total responsibility for how the other person feels. You sincerely feel and believe, “Your needs are my needs,” and you will not stop or give up for any reason until you meet your partner’s needs. In this type of dynamic, understanding how to be a good partner means you operate on a world- or spirit-centric level.

When somebody says, “Listen, I’m doing everything I can, but you’ve got to go and do your part,” it may sound okay on the surface, but this will be depolarizing. A level-three relationship means that instead of saying, “We are going to split this,” you are saying “I am going to make sure you feel what you feel. Be crazy, do whatever you want. I love you. I will take you to the next level.” It is not “you do your part and I’ll do mine. You have to make yourself happy.” It’s “I live to light you up and I will do it.” In this state, the energy, the passion and the joy all come naturally. This is where we all want to be.

At which of these dimensions have you been operating in your relationship? At what dimension do you think your partner has been playing? Do you both even agree on what makes a good partner? And are you willing to work on becoming better? Love yourself first

Your beliefs create your world. They drive every decision you make – including in relationships. If you have destructive beliefs, you’ll gravitate toward a life that reinforces those beliefs. You may bring negativity into your relationships that results in poor communication, conflict and frustration. Being a better partner starts with examining these beliefs and replacing them with empowering ones.

Learning how to be a better partner hinges on your sense of self. Once you’ve uncovered your limiting beliefs, you can work on your self-esteem. Remember to celebrate your strengths, weaknesses and everything you bring to the relationship as an individual. By grounding yourself in positive self-regard, you’re better able to show up in your relationship – you can only treat others as well as you treat yourself.

Understand that relationships are dynamic

Relationships are much like gardening. They are only able to flourish under the right conditions. A garden’s needs change as the seasons shift, and some plants need more attention than others. Your relationship is similar – it’s a living, breathing entity that needs constant TLC. Change in relationships is as inevitable as the seasons, but you can learn to be flexible and adapt to whatever comes your way.

Being flexible in relationships isn’t the same as settling. You can learn to adapt to your partner’s needs while staying true to your own. Flexibility is about being willing to hear your partner’s needs and fulfilling them in a way that brings you closer together. Circumstances in life will always shift – but an adaptable relationship will be able to weather the seasons and come out stronger.

Focus on your partner

If you want to create real, lasting change in your relationship, then stop focusing on what your partner is or isn’t doing, and start asking yourself, “What am I giving? How am I being a good partner?” By asking how to be a better partner to your significant other, you’re shifting toward a world-centric level and putting your partner’s needs first.

This doesn’t mean you’re negating your own needs. You are letting your partner know you are there for them, that they can trust you – and that they can feel safe and secure in their vulnerability. And, in turn, this will strengthen your bond of intimacy and connection, helping you ultimately surpass being merely a good partner as your relationship becomes extraordinary. Express positivity.

Take time to connect

Making small talk and communicating are not the same thing. Many relationships fall into the same routine, with questions like “How was your day?” or “What do you want to do tonight?” We spend our time together watching television rather than truly connecting. But you cannot know what your partner needs if you don’t take the time to deeply communicate in your relationship.

Improve your communication

Communication isn’t just about talking. Deep listening will make your partner feel not only heard, but understood. Make eye contact, give nonverbal feedback and focus on what they are saying. Be open and accepting. Rather than being your partner’s worst critic, be understanding. Listen to your partner’s perspective without judging it. You’re relating to your partner and building trust in the relationship. Work on practical relationship skills like conflict resolution, being fully present for your partner, taking an interest in what makes them happy and picking up on their nonverbal cues.

Express gratitude

Gratitude is essential to every part of life, including your relationship. Don’t just think about everything you love about your partner – tell them. Say “thank you,” and be specific about what you appreciate. And always share positive emotions. When you feel and express joy and pleasure in a relationship, you become a soft spot for your partner to fall on.

Give assurance

Whether someone had a bad day or there is a longer-term issue, stress can negatively affect both partners in a relationship. Remember that having their back is part of mastering how to be a great partner in a relationship. When your partner is having a hard time, give them assurance of your unconditional support.

Open up

Feeling comfortable around your partner is the first step to real intimacy. When you’re able to be vulnerable, you’ll be able to learn how to be a good partner in a relationship. In an emotionally healthy relationship, you’re able to share your thoughts, feelings, wants and needs without fear of judgment or criticism. And in return, you don’t judge your partner – you accept them as they are.

Share responsibilities

You can’t create an equal, fulfilling partnership if one person bears all the responsibility. Be proactive and share responsibilities like household tasks and finances. Need an incentive? One study found that couples who split housework more evenly engaged in intimacy more frequently than those with uneven arrangements. Stay engaged

People are social creatures, and learning how to be a better partner requires you to have a support system. When you spend time with your partner’s friends, family and larger network, you build bonds that strengthen the relationship. Show your partner that you don’t just love them, but you also love what, and who, they love – and you want to be a part of their entire life.

7. How to support your partner

Our relationships define our entire lives. This is not because we cannot think independently or because we lack a sense of self. It is because relationships with others either fuel the fire of our success or drain us of the will to achieve more.

When you learn to create a raving fan culture at home to empower your partner, you will find your efforts empowering to yourself, too. Here are other ways to empower your partner to bring out the best in both of you:

USE YOUR EMOTIONAL MEMORIES CONSTRUCTIVELY

Think back to a time when your partner met your needs in a very satisfying way. Remember those feelings of energy and joy that your partner’s support gave you. Those energetic feelings made you feel like doing even more and becoming a better person.

These emotional memories are a powerful tool at your disposal because that relationship-based energy informs every aspect of your life. Allow yourself to focus on those powerful, emotional memories of relationship success and happiness. This kind of supportive energy improves our health outcomes, our work performance and our outlook at its most basic level.

MAGNIFY POSITIVE EMOTIONS FOR YOUR PARTNER AND YOURSELF

Relationships magnify human emotion. This means that by sharing your joy, your love, your fear and any other emotion, you make more of it. Will you magnify support and kindness as you share those emotions with your partner? Or will you magnify doubt and criticism? YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN

Are you your partner’s number one fan? No relationship is perfect, and each of us can feel critical about our partner from time to time. However, you should always be your partner’s number one fan in a demonstrative, emphatic way. When you are truly your partner’s fan, they know it without a shred of doubt.

DO MORE THAN YOU THOUGHT POSSIBLE

Too often we find ourselves trapped in the same patterns week after week and year after year. Unfortunately, complacency is the enemy of your relationship. Strive not to be a good or even a great partner; instead, be the best partner you can possibly be.

Each time you do more for your partner, you are rewarding yourself, too. That’s because your wonderful efforts create genuine love, loyalty and joy in your partner, which are then directed at you.

UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR PARTNER NEEDS

If someone asked you right now what your partner’s most important needs are, could you answer the question? Would you be guessing, or are you confident about knowing your partner’s needs?

Even if you feel sure of what your partner needs, keep having that conversation. The act of discussing emotional needs and wants builds intimacy and trust. Each discussion fortifies your relationship, helping both you and your partner feel secure and loved.

MOVE THROUGH THE FIRE TOGETHER

Every relationship undergoes stressful times. You have a choice when stress happens: Seize it as an opportunity for personal growth together or allow stress to weaken your bond. To use stress as a powerful tool for strengthening your relationship, put your partner’s needs first. When you meet this challenge, you improve your relationship and earn the support of your partner when it’s your turn to master stress.

CELEBRATE AND REWARD EACH OTHER

Don’t settle for the honeymoon being over. See your partner through the same eyes you did when you first met. Back then you were willing to cross oceans to earn their love, admiration and trust. It was that energetic commitment to them that won them over, so don’t lose it. Instead, prepare yourself and your partner for a lifetime of exciting “first dates.”

ADAPT AND IMPROVE

The emotional needs your partner has today may be very different from the needs they had when you met. Meeting those needs is still your job! Work to adapt to your partner’s changing needs, and improve your bond and behavior with each other every day.

In the end, you can’t control how your partner feels, but you have almost total control over your own actions and words. By seeing how much power your ability to choose better behavior gives you, you can ensure that you are pursuing a positive path alongside your partner.

Celebrate your partner's success and grow a stronger relationship

a sign with a mountain in the background The ability to understand what your partner wants and needs at a fundamental level is one of the most important things you can cultivate on behalf of your relationship. Businesspeople who can reliably perceive customer needs can create “raving fan customers,” and this raving fan mentality is just as powerful at home as it is in the workplace. When your partner succeeds at something, they should know and feel that you are in their corner, which then translates to them feeling just as ecstatic when you succeed at your goals, too. But if you’re feeling a bit behind in your own success, these tips will help you figure out how to be the supportive and celebratory partner your partner expects you to be. Stop being jealous and redirect that energy towards your own success.

BUILD UP YOUR PARTNER

Even the most successful partner wants and needs to be built up. Whether your partner is winning accolades every week or struggling, they need you to be their greatest fan. The most valuable gift you can bestow on your partner is your own belief and confidence. Let them see just how amazing they look through your eyes by giving positive affirmations when they succeed or struggle. Your belief in them will act as motivation to continue to pursue their goals, and they will be ready to motivate you in the same way when you need it, too. CREATE A POSITIVE FEEDBACK CYCLE

Harsh words and criticism that is not constructive breed more of the same. Fortunately, positive emotions and feedback are also self-perpetuating. Feed your relationship like a garden, which needs nurture and care. If you’re sowing your garden with bitterness and negativity, you only hijack what you reap.

Giving your partner the gift of loving support allows them in turn to reciprocate; this positive feedback cycle deepens your relationship and renders it more secure. This, in turn, allows you to love and enjoy your partner’s success without resentment.

VALUE THE DIFFERENCES THAT MAKE YOU STRONGER TOGETHER

Recognize that you and your partner have wonderfully different skills, talents and abilities. Success for each partner looks a little different, so don’t let jealousy and insecurity bog you down. This synergistic relationship of complementary talents allows you to be more together than you are apart.

When you see your relationship through this lens which values your unique qualities, you can support your partner effectively even when they are achieving in areas that are weak for you. This allows you to feel genuine, honest support for your partner’s success.

PUT IN THE WORK

Which do you think makes for a solid, successful business: doing everything you can, or doing just enough to get by? The answer in the context of a business is obvious. Why, then, do we sometimes see our relationships differently, putting in only enough work to keep them afloat?

Fight the tendency to get lazy and complacent in your relationship. Don’t just be a good partner — be the best partner you can imagine. This kind of directed emotional effort yields unlimited dividends as your partner will reciprocate your behavior by lifting you higher and higher throughout your relationship.

BEING RIGHT ON TIME

Even your highly successful partner has to cope with stress. Feeling stress makes your partner feel anxious, inadequate and even depressed. The way you help your partner cope with these feelings changes everything for both of you.

Be a constant source of support and even inspiration for your partner. Your partner may be at his or her most stubborn behavior when he or she is being challenged by stress, and those times are when they rely on you more than ever. Be there for them even when it’s a challenge, and you will always be right on time, meeting their needs and exceeding their expectations.

REWARDING PARTNERSHIPS

Highly successful people enjoy rewarding partnerships with others, both at work and at home. You can’t bestow a Nobel Prize on your partner as recognition of their greatness, but you can and should reward them every day. Tell your partner how important they are, and back up the things you say with clear actions. Each time you make your partner your priority, you strengthen your bond.

GENUINE ADMIRATION ROOTED IN SECURITY

Allow yourself the freeing feeling of genuinely admiring your partner and their success. Each time you feel a flash of insecurity or even intimidation, mindfully refocus your feelings. It’s not your partner’s duty to minimize their success. If you open your heart to feeling honest admiration based on the security that comes from a strong relationship, you gift your partner with the freedom to take more pride in his or her work — not to mention your relationship.

Your partner’s success is no threat to you. It is a benefit to your relationship. Practice handling your partner’s success positively and graciously, which will result to both of you being able to build a stronger, more secure relationship, which is a success in itself.

Being supportive in stressful times

8 ways to be supportive in difficult moments Posted by: Team Tony

How do you and your partner fare when stress enters the relationship? Does stress become a source of conflict and contention? Do you tend to fight more? Do you tend to withdraw from one another and feel more disconnected, frustrated, sad or angry?

Or does the stress become an opportunity for you and your partner to discover ways to be supportive? A place where you find ways of supporting, comforting and caring for each other, where you put others’ needs ahead of yours – now that would be the place to go. You can get there by learning how to be a supportive partner, no matter how challenging the situation.

What is emotional support in a relationship?

Emotional support in a relationship is the ability to show understanding, compassion and love – no matter what. It means accepting your partner the way they are, validating their feelings and encouraging their dreams. What this looks like in practice will be different for every relationship, but there are several traits that all supportive partners share:

• Emotional mastery. Do relationship stressors make you want to explode in anger or frustration? Being able to identify, process and handle negative emotions in a productive way is essential to being a supportive partner. Master your emotions and you’ll master your relationship.

• Confidence. You always have your partner’s back, even when you disagree with them. You don’t get caught up in feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. You’re comfortable with alone time and even encourage it. All of this stems from an unshakeable confidence and deep belief in yourself.

• Communication skills. Learning how to be a supportive partner is about connecting on a deeper level. Ask meaningful questions – and care about the answers. Put down your phone and be present for your partner. Improve your communication skills and you’ll build a foundation of trust for your relationship.

Why is being a supportive partner important?

Emotional support in a relationship becomes even more important in tough times. Stress can cause considerable levels of irritability, anxiety, fatigue and other negative consequences. It shows up in our actions, our behavior and in our verbal and nonverbal cues – and it inevitably affects both partners and the relationship. But being a supportive partner even in stressful times can be a determining factor in which direction your relationship ultimately goes.

When we routinely provide our partners with the emotional fulfillment they need by being supportive, we can create a new depth of love in the relationship. As ironic as it may seem, when stress makes your partner more ornery, argumentative or distant, that is when they need you to show up the most.

Aside from the inherent good derived from exhibiting patience, understanding and support, acting as a stress reliever can ultimately bring a number of unexpected benefits both to your partner and the relationship itself.

Reduce stress. A recent study conducted by the American Psychological Association showed that those who said they have someone they can lean on for emotional support report lower stress levels and better related outcomes than those without emotional support. They are also less likely to say their stress levels increased over the past year and less likely to let stress get in the way of making positive lifestyle changes.

Achieve more. Tony believes in the power of relationships to where it can define a person’s entire life. A powerful relationship filled with support for each other can help you achieve new levels of success and fill you with the drive to do and achieve even more than you could imagine.

Stay positive and focused. Providing emotional support can also help your partner maintain a more positive outlook and focus better at work. A study conducted by Florida State University professor Wayne Hochwarter revealed that “employees with high levels of stress but strong spousal support had 25% higher rate of concentration levels at work compared to those without the solid spousal backing.” They were also “33% more likely to have positive relationships with their colleagues and had a 20% higher level of job satisfaction compared to their peers.”

Experience more fulfillment. On top of work-related benefits, those with strong spousal support also experienced a number of personal bonuses. They reported 50% higher rates of fulfillment in their relationships, a 25% lower rate of post-work fatigue and 25% rate of parents more likely to be happier with the amount of time spent with their children. They also undoubtedly got a better understanding of how to be supportive as they went about their daily lives and activities.

SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP

Relationships are about polarity – the balance between masculine and feminine energy that creates an ideal push and pull that results in true connection and the “sparks” of romance. Understanding how to be a supportive partner as the more masculine energy can be tricky, because masculine energies tend to focus on solutions. Equally, feminine partners may need to harness their femininity and find their voice to speak up for their partner more often. There are ways to be supportive that work for both energies, with a little effort.

1. Shift your perspective

When we allow stress to control and overwhelm the state of our connection with our partners, it can create a sense of tension and disconnection. And if that is perpetuated, it can lead to a distant relationship, drained of the love, passion and joy that were once shared. People who are successful in relationships and in life know how to shift their perspective so that problems become opportunities. When we see stress as an opportunity to strengthen our relationship and grow as human beings, it can bring us closer and make us feel like more of a team than ever.

2. Understand when it’s time to step in

Sometimes being a supportive partner means understanding when it’s time for you to step in to allow your partner space to step back. When your loved one is in the middle of a busy event or is rushing around getting things done, the partner with masculine energy can step in and help shoulder some of the load. Doing so can give the extra time and space needed to finish a task or allow them a much needed break. Feminine partners, on the other hand, may want to wait for a quiet moment to offer their support, as masculine energies tend toward extreme focus.

3. Get your talking points ready

Your partner will find a powerful sense of reassurance and comfort through your words. Getting a feel for how to be a supportive partner often comes down to becoming comfortable with speaking the right words of encouragement at just the right time. Worried about what to say? Come up with a script. Draft a few talking points about how special your partner is and how proud you are as you watch them interact with family and friends. The more vivid and descriptive the imagery is, the better.

4. Believe in your partner

Oftentimes, being a supportive partner is no more than telling your partner that you believe in them. The words of a loving partner can give a great deal of comfort and assurance, especially if they’re said in a gentle and loving manner. You don’t have to feel like you need to say something complex. In fact, sometimes a heartfelt phrase can make all the difference to your partner who is caught up in a stressful situation.

5. Be specific

Emotional support in a relationship goes beyond words of affirmation. Get specific. It can be easy during times of stress for your partner to lose sight of the bigger picture. Many get more stressed as they start to have tunnel vision about a specific project or task. Practice being supportive by highlighting what you love and admire about your partner, and how their skills and abilities can be used to keep moving forward amid stress. 

6. Be emotionally available

In order to discover how to be a supportive partner, you must be emotionally available. That means being willing to be vulnerable, share your true feelings and face your fears in relationships and beyond. Emotional availability can be more difficult for masculine personalities, who tend to look for solutions to problems rather than “talking things out.” However, feminine personalities can also have trouble here, especially if they’ve been hurt in past relationships. Learning to forgive and letting go of living in the past is key.

7. Practice deep listening

Deep listening goes hand in hand with being a supportive partner. Too often, we don’t fully focus on what our partners are saying. We’re looking at our phones, thinking about work or spending time on social media when we need to be making time to listen. Practicing deep listening means making eye contact, giving nonverbal feedback like a smile or a nod, using open and confident body language and ensuring you are fully present.  

8. Show physical affection

When we’re stressed, we’re being pulled in a hundred different directions. We don’t feel like being affectionate – but like deep listening, physical contact is one of the most important ways to be supportive, no matter what else is going on in your life. Similar to how smiling can change your mindset, even if you aren’t feeling happy, holding your partner’s hand or cuddling on the couch can restore intimacy and help you both feel more supported.

8. How to pick your life partner

https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html

1. People tend to be bad at knowing what they want from a relationship

2. Society has it all wrong and gives us terrible advice

   → Society encourages us to stay uneducated and let romance be our guide.

   → Society places a stigma on intelligently expanding our search for potential partners.

   → Society rushes us.

3. Our Biology Is Doing Us No Favors

   → Human biology evolved a long time ago and doesn’t understand the concept of having a deep connection with a life partner for 50 years.

   → Biological clocks are a bitch.

To endure 20,000 days with another human being and do so happily, there are three key ingredients necessary:

1) An Epic Friendship

I enjoy spending time with most of my friends—that’s why they’re my friends. But with certain friends, the time is so high-quality, so interesting, and so fun that they pass the Traffic Test.

The Traffic Test is passed when I’m finishing up a hangout with someone and one of us is driving the other back home or back to their car, and I find myself rooting for traffic. That’s how much I’m enjoying the time with them.

Passing the Traffic Test says a lot. It means I’m lost in the interaction, invigorated by it, and that I’m the complete opposite of bored.

To me, almost nothing is more critical in choosing a life partner than finding someone who passes the Traffic Test. When there are people in your life who do pass the Traffic Test, what a whopping shame it would be to spend 95% of the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t.

A Traffic Test-passing friendship entails:

• A great sense of humor click. No one wants to spend 50 years fake laughing.

• Fun. And the ability to extract fun out of unfun situations—airport delays, long drives, errands. Not surprisingly, studies suggest that the amount of fun a couple has is a strong predictor for their future.6

• A respect for each other’s brains and way of thinking. A life partner doubles as a career/life therapist, and if you don’t respect the way someone thinks, you’re not going to want to tell them your thoughts on work each day, or on anything else interesting that pops into your head, because you won’t really care that much what they have to say about it.

• A decent number of common interests, activities, and people-preferences. Otherwise a lot of what makes you ‘you’ will inevitably become a much smaller part of your life, and you and your life partner will struggle to find enjoyable ways to spend a free Saturday together.

A friendship that passes the Traffic Test gets better and better with time, and it has endless room to deepen and grow ever-richer.

2) A Feeling of Home

If someone told you you had to sit in a chair for 12 straight hours without moving, aside from wondering why the hell they were making you do this, your first thought would be, “I better get in the most comfortable possible position”—because you’d know that even the slightest bit of discomfort would grow to pain and eventually, torture. When you have to do something for a long, long time, it’s best if it’s supremely comfortable.

When it comes to marriage, a perpetual “discomfort” between you and your partner can be a permanent source of unhappiness, especially as it magnifies over time, much like your torturous situation in the chair. Feeling “at home” means feeling safe, cozy, natural, and utterly yourself, and in order to have this feeling with a partner, a few things need to be in place:

• Trust and security. Secrets are poison to a relationship, because they form an invisible wall inside the relationship, leaving both people somewhat alone in the world—and besides, who wants to spend 50 years lying or worrying about hiding something? And on the other side of secrets will often be suspicion, a concept that directly clashes with the concept of home. This is why having an affair during an otherwise good marriage is one of the most self-defeating and short-sighted things someone could ever do.

• Natural chemistry. Interacting should be easy and natural, energy levels should be in the same vicinity, and you should feel on the same “wavelength” in general. When I’m with someone on a very different wavelength than I am, it doesn’t take long before the interaction becomes exhausting.

• Acceptance of human flaws. You’re flawed. Like, really flawed. And so is your current or future life-partner. Being flawed is part of the definition of being a human. And one of the worst fates would be to spend most of your life being criticized for your flaws and reprimanded for continuing to have them. This isn’t to say people shouldn’t work on self-improvement, but when it comes to a life partnership, the healthy attitude is, “Every person comes with a set of flaws, these are my partner’s, and they’re part of the package I knowingly chose to spend my life with.”

• A generally positive vibe. Remember, this is the vibe you’re a part of now, forever. It’s not really acceptable for it to be a negative one, nor is it sustainable. Relationship scientist John Gottman has found that “couples with a ratio of fewer than five positive interactions for every negative one are destined for divorce.”7

3) A Determination to be Good at Marriage

Relationships are hard. Expecting a strong relationship without treating it like a rigorous part-time job is like expecting to have a great career without putting in any effort. In a time when humans in most parts of the world can enjoy freedom and carve their own path in life, it usually doesn’t sit that well to suddenly become half of something and compromise on a bunch of things you grew up being selfish about.

So what skills does someone need to learn to be good at marriage?

• Communication. Communication being on this list is as silly as “oxygen” being on a list of items you need to stay healthy. And yet, poor communication is the downfall of a huge number of couples—in fact, in a study on divorcees, communication style was the top thing they said they’d change for their next relationship.8 Communication is hard to do well consistently—successful couples often need to create pre-planned systems or even partake in couples’ therapy to make sure it happens.

• Maintaining equality. Relationships can slip into an unequal power dynamic pretty quickly. When one person’s mood always dictates the mood in the room, when one person’s needs or opinion consistently prevail over the other’s, when one person can treat the other in a way they’d never stand for being treated themselves—you’ve got a problem.

• Fighting well. Fighting is inevitable. But there are good and bad ways to fight. When a couple is good at fighting, they defuse tension, approach things with humor, and genuinely listen to the other side, while avoiding getting nasty, personal or defensive. They also fight less often than a bad couple. According to John Gottman, 69% of a typical couple’s fights are perpetual, based on core differences, and cannot be resolved—and a skilled couple understands this and refrains from engaging in these brawls again and again.

Conclusion

Quiz

How can you apply this in life today

Food for thought

Expand your understanding