1. Attention to communication

• Quickie: watch your words today - without judgment! If you're serious partner, kid, friend, or coworker to raise their hands to the point of annoying every time you use words of dislike. Most of the time, you don't even hear yourself putting it in your mouth.

• Research shows that pronouncing negative words not only causes a stress response in the speaker but also in the listener. In him, more fear and irritation is observed, which undermines trust and possible cooperation. Source

  Note: words that you say often, you will also think more often and therefore say more often, and you will behave accordingly: you become your words. For example, you can easily cultivate a 'yes-but' attitude. One holds on to doubtful words like 'maybe', 'actually' and 'a bit', the other often uses words with a negative connotation, such as 'no', 'but' and 'however', a third is more positive and uses more often 'and', 'like' and 'like'.

• How do you speak more consciously? How do you choose your words instead of them attacking you? The mnemonic is: THINK. pause. Stop the impulse to speak, turn your attention to your breath and bodily sensation. And ask yourself what you want to say: Is that: True Helpful Inspiring Necessary Kind.

Different communication styles

Being a powerful communicator doesn’t mean you speak the loudest or most often; rather, you are getting your message across clearly and also taking in the messages you’re receiving from the people around you. You rely on deep listening tactics, such as maintaining eye contact and reading nonverbal cues, and you’re aware of the different communication styles and which one you naturally use.

So what is a communication style, and how can you leverage yours to launch your career to the next level? When you can identify your own communication style and those of others, you’ll not only maximize your own communication but also increase your ability to build rapport and influence others.

Communication styles are the characteristics and patterns we fall back on when we communicate with others, both verbally and non-verbally. Everyone operates on patterns – our daily rituals, our inner self-talk and our habits are all patterns. These patterns are all learned, including communication. No one is born knowing how to give an amazing TED Talk. Our communication styles are influenced by our personalities, experiences and beliefs about the world.

Some styles are toxic while others are healthy and positive. It’s essential to understand the different communication styles so that you can change yours if you’re stuck in a negative pattern.

Different communication styles

Now that we’ve answered the question “What is a communication style?,” it’s time to identify your own. There are four main communication styles that most of us fit into.

1. Aggressive

Of all the types of communication styles, aggressive communicators are the most recognizable. They’re the loudest person at the party. They talk over others and it seems to always be about themselves. They make intense eye contact and feel like they’re crowding your space. They speak in commands and never seek consensus. These people may get their way in the moment, but ultimately aggressive communication is a losing style because you never truly connect with others.

2. Passive

The passive communication style is the exact opposite of aggressive. These are the quiet “wallflowers.” They slouch, turn away and don’t make eye contact. They are agreeable and unable to say “no.” It’s not that they don’t have emotions and opinions – they’re not able to express them due to limiting beliefs that tell them their own thoughts don’t matter. While this may not seem bad, passive communicators often have built-up resentment that can pour out at any moment.

3. Passive-aggressive

When the resentment of passive communication styles comes out, you get the passive-aggressive communicator. These people often “joke around,” but are actually saying hurtful things. They avoid conflict at all costs. They roll their eyes and use sarcasm frequently. Rather than expressing their emotions, they expect others to read their minds and get upset when there’s a lapse in communication. Passive-aggressive communication is no way to go through life.

4. Assertive

Assertive is the healthiest type of communication style. Assertive communicators are able to recognize their own emotions and express them in a healthy, confident way. They use “I feel” statements instead of being accusatory. They let others speak and listen deeply when they do. They have a healthy ability to say “no” and take time for themselves. And they respect the opinions of others. It’s easy to see why the assertive communication style is the most effective in relationships and at work.

Metaprograms and communication styles

In addition to the different communication styles, our patterns of communication also include metaprograms. These are the different ways that people process information and they are the key to unlocking influence and getting what you want at work. These powerful internal programs influence our thoughts and directly affect our behavior. Once you understand the six different metaprograms, you can get a better read on your audience and immensely improve your communication style, which ultimately helps you to not only connect with others, but achieve your goals. Moving toward or away

Human behavior can be divided into two categories: Those who avoid pain and those who pursue pleasure. Which one are you? Are you moving toward something or away from something? Imagine two people who book train tickets for their next journey. The first person bought a train ticket to get to their destination because they’re extremely afraid of being in an airplane – they’re avoiding pain. The second person decided to travel via train because they want to enjoy the journey. They’re looking to gain pleasure from taking in the local scenery and enjoying a good book during the ride.

As you look at the types of communication styles, ask if those you’re speaking to are moving toward or away. A rule of thumb is to ask what that person wants. If they start listing things they don’t want – they don’t want to fail, they don’t want to be stuck in the same dead-end job – or talking about what they do want – a family, to succeed at their job – then you’ll know how to direct the conversation.

Internal and external frames of reference

What drives you? When you accomplish a goal, is it enough for you to tell yourself you did something amazing, or do you seek validation from those around you? Everyone looks at the world from either an internal or external frame of reference. Internal people are able to evaluate whether they did a good job or not themselves, while external people seek praise elsewhere.

When matching your communication style to someone who has an internal frame of reference, appeal to the things they know about themselves. Tie your communication to a personal fact you already know about that person. Those with an external frame of reference want to hear more about what their peers think about a given program or decision.

How people sort themselves

We all sort ourselves in two distinct ways: we either self-sort or sort by thinking about others. Self-sorters look at an interaction or decision and think, “What’s in it for me?” Someone who sorts by thinking of others responds to questions by wondering how it will affect those around them.

Both categories have their strengths and weaknesses. If your primary role involves hiring people, you need to think about these different communication styles during interviews. Is a self-sorter the right fit for a team-oriented position? Do you think they’ll stay with your company for the long run? Or does someone who thinks about others appeal more to your business and its future growth?

Matching or mismatching

When presented with new information, people can think of a variety of ways to interpret it. No matter how many references come into their mind, they will always do one of two things: match or mismatch. Matchers look for sameness in the world; they want to understand how things relate to each other.

Mismatchers, on the other hand, see how things are different. If you’re looking to be persuasive with someone, you want to see things through their eyes and adjust your communication style in a way they can relate to, whether it’s via matching or mismatching.

Possibility vs. necessity

The last metaprogram that dominates the different communication styles is the principle of possibility vs. necessity. Some people are driven by possibility; they make choices based on what they want to do and are hopeful about pursuing the unknown. Those who make decisions based on necessity do things because they feel they have to. People who are driven by a feeling of necessity are trustworthy and predictable. Both types of people have their virtues, but in order to get your message across to either one, it helps to identify who is who.

The key to getting what you want out of life is not only working toward your goals, but in communicating with those around you. Your message will resonate more intensely if you’re able to decipher which communication styles people rely on. You also can’t underestimate the power of body language. When you’re speaking to someone, think about your presence. Are you maintaining eye contact? Are you establishing a connection by leaning in and creating a welcoming space? Make it a habit to deliver firm handshakes and to stop fidgeting.

All of these nonverbal modifications, and a deep understanding of communication styles, will help to establish yourself as someone who is confident, smart and capable. Once you’ve refined your communication skills, you can utilize them to help you reach your goals.

2. The Marshall Rosenberg formula

The Marshall Rosenberg formula is a communication model developed by Marshall Rosenberg, a clinical psychologist, mediator, and founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC). The model is based on the idea that all human behavior is driven by a need to meet universal human needs, and that conflicts and misunderstandings can be resolved peacefully through empathic communication.

The formula consists of four components:

1. Make observations: Use objective and specific statements to describe what you have observed. For example, "I noticed that the trash was not taken out this morning" or "I saw that the dishes were left in the sink."

2. Express your feelings: Use words that describe your emotions, rather than evaluating or judging the other person. For example, "I feel frustrated" or "I feel hurt."

3. Identify your needs: Think about the universal human needs that are being met or unmet in the situation. Some common needs include connection, respect, security, and autonomy. For example, "I have a need for respect" or "I have a need for cooperation."

4. Make requests: Ask for specific, concrete actions that the other person can take to meet your needs or resolve the conflict. For example, "Could you please take out the trash?" or "Would you be willing to do the dishes?"

The formula can be summarized as "When I observe [observation], I feel [feeling] because I have a need for [need]. Would you be willing to [request]?"

The Marshall Rosenberg formula can be used to improve communication and resolve conflicts in personal and professional relationships. It is based on the principles of nonviolence and empathy, and it can help individuals to express their needs and desires in a clear and non-threatening way.

In this way you provoke as little defensive behavior as possible in the other person, you increase the chance that the other person is receptive to your wishes, and at the same time you create a clearer picture of what you actually want.

The giraffe model (loving)

In the context of the "giraffe" and "jackal" language, the Marshall Rosenberg formula can be thought of as a way to communicate in a "giraffe" manner. The giraffe is a symbol of nonviolent communication, and it represents the use of empathic and understanding language. In contrast, the jackal symbolizes aggressive or confrontational communication, and it represents the use of language that is evaluative or blameful. By using the Marshall Rosenberg formula, you can practice "giraffe" communication and avoid "jackal" behavior.

Marhsall Rosenberg talks about a giraffe model that consists of four elements. The elements are:

1. Observe

2. To feel

3. Need

4. Requests

An example: when I hear that you have been out with my boss (perceiving), I feel insecure (feeling). I need security and trust (need), please don't tell him what I tell you about my work (requests)?

The jackal model

In the context of the Marshall Rosenberg formula, "jackal" behavior refers to aggressive or confrontational communication that is characterized by blame, criticism, and evaluation. It is called "jackal" behavior because it is akin to the way a jackal might behave - attacking or confronting others in a negative or aggressive manner.

Examples of "jackal" behavior might include:

• Making statements that begin with "you" and that assign blame or fault to the other person, such as "You always forget to take out the trash" or "You never listen to me."

• Using evaluative language that judges or labels the other person, such as "You're selfish" or "You're lazy."

• Being confrontational or argumentative, rather than trying to understand the other person's perspective.

• e jackal model also consists of four elements:

1. Interpret/condemn

2. Quasi-feel

3. Mistaking Strategies for Needs

4. To demand

An example: why did you forget to bring bread again? (interpret) I don't feel heard (quasi-feeling). Now I have to go into the city again through this smallpox weather (mixing strategies and needs). In the meantime, you have to clean up the kitchen (requirements). At least you're doing something useful! (judgment)

Listen to your jackal

Be happy with the jackal, see the jackal as a bringer of emotional gifts. You have to unwrap those presents to see what feelings and unmet needs are in them. And be happy with the jackals of others too, so you get the chance to see their feelings and unmet needs! Comment on the contents, not the packaging. All this calls for alertness. Also listen quietly to your jackals, let him run wild.

Be real no matter what. Don't play giraffe, don't play jackal. feel. Keep your head-heart line pure. Don't try to convince others in a friendly so-called giraffe way. Follow your heart when conversing. How? Be sincere like a child.

Your four different types of ears

You have two types of ears, jackal and giraffe, that you can use in two ways:

1. Opening outwards (other)

2. Backwards (inside voice)

When talking visualize (train). Examples:

• Jackal, ears out: we hear accusations, manipulation, take down.

• Jackal, ears in: we're stupid too.

• Giraffe, ears out: we no longer hear reproaches and judgements. We hear the feelings and needs of the person speaking to us.

• Giraffe, ears inward: we hear what comes in from the outside and what goes on inside us. What do we feel? What needs do we have? We take the TIME to listen to ourselves and give us compassion.

In short, you could summarize the differences between giraffes and jackal language as follows. It's about: love from trust And Control from fear.

3. Social confirming

1. Source:

   https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-opinions-run-life.html

2. We are social animals, we ignore our authentic voice (for several reasons) to be social. This used to be vital 50,000 years ago, but nowadays becoming more authentic = survival. TLDR: Almost nothing you’re socially scared of is actually scary.

3. Example of a reason to conform/not be yourself: winning the approval of a Puppet Master in your life. A Puppet Master is a person or group of people whose opinion matters so much to you that they’re essentially running your life. A Puppet Master is often a parent, or maybe your significant other, or sometimes an alpha member of your group of friends. A Puppet Master can be a person you look up to who you don’t know very well—maybe even a celebrity you’ve never met—or a group of people you hold in especially high regard.

4. How to tame your social survival mammoth:

   1. Get to know your Authentic Voice - self reflection on true feelings. You spend time with a lot of people—which of them do you actually like the most? How do you spend your leisure time, and do you truly enjoy all parts of it? Is there anything you regularly spend money on that you don’t feel that comfortable with? How does your gut really feel about your job and relationship status? What’s your true political opinion? Do you even care? Do you pretend to care about things you don’t just to have an opinion? Do you secretly have an opinion on a political or moral issue you don’t ever voice because people you know will be outraged?

   2. Figure out where the mammoth is hiding.

      1. The most obvious way to find the mammoth is to figure out where your fear is—where are you most susceptible to shame or embarrassment? What parts of your life do you think about and a dreadful, sinking feeling washes over you? Where does the prospect of failure seem like a nightmare? What are you too timid to publicly try even though you know you’re good at it? If you were giving advice to yourself, which parts of your life would clearly need a change that you’re avoiding acting on right now?

      2. The second place a mammoth hides is in the way-too-good feelings you get from feeling accepted or on a pedestal over other people. Are you a serious pleaser at work or in your relationship? Are you terrified of disappointing your parents and do you choose making them proud over aiming to gratify yourself? Do you get too excited about being associated with prestigious things or care too much about status? Do you brag more than you should?

      3. A third area the mammoth is present is anywhere you don’t feel comfortable making a decision without “permission” or approval from others. Do you have opinions you’re regurgitating from someone else’s mouth, which you’re comfortable having now that you know that person has them? When you introduce your new girlfriend or boyfriend to your friends or family for the first time, can those people’s reaction to your new person fundamentally change your feelings for him/her? Is there a Puppet Master in your life? If so, who, and why?

   3. Decide where the mammoth needs to be ousted

Step 2: Gather Courage by Internalizing That the Mammoth Has a Low IQ

Five errors

1. Everyone is talking about me and my life and just think how much everyone will be talking about it if I do this risky or weird thing.

2. If I try really hard, I can please everyone.

3. Being disapproved of or looked down upon or shit-talked about has real consequences in my life.

4. Really judgy people matter.

5. I’m a bad person if I disappoint or offend the person/people who love me and have invested so much in me.

2) The mammoth’s efforts are counterproductive.

1. AVs are interesting. Mammoths are boring.

2. AVs lead. Mammoths follow.

3. People gravitate toward AVs, not mammoths.

Step 3: Start Being Yourself

Almost nothing you’re socially scared of is actually scary.

4. Fun read: the great perils of social interaction

https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/01/the-great-perils-of-social-interaction.html

Key takeaways:

• Fun read about social awkwardness. Not much value other than a few lauchs and:

• Family is most difficult, as stake are highest. An expectation of intimacy and comfort puts pressure on each interaction going well, your history together often leaves things highly charged, and since this is the arena where gossip and long-term memory live, the stakes are at their highest. Also, you’re probably kind of an awkward person and awkward people are never safe, no matter whom you’re with.

• In general, the main thing that makes interactions awkward is inauthenticity. Authentic is the enemy of awkwardness.

Conclusion

Quiz

How do you apply this in your life

Food for thought

Expand your understanding