1. Listen to others
Humans seem to be a social species. At least, in some parts I am and I have the need to connect. Relationships are in multiple ways very valuable. But how do you grow your relationships? Seems hard right? It really isn’t: just be silent and listen to them.
By listening and seeing them you will people better than you found them.
Have you ever spoken to someone who made you feel like you were the only person in the world at that moment? Who seemed truly engaged and interested in every word that came out of your mouth? How did that make you feel? Important? Understood?
This is the power of deep listening. Deep listening is more than a valuable social habit; it is a transformative communication tool. With deep listening, you are not only allowing yourself the time and space to fully absorb what your conversation partner is saying, you can actually encourage him or her to to feel heard and to speak more openly and honestly. And this is a key step in developing rapport with someone.
Eye Contact
“By maintaining good eye contact, you are demonstrating to your conversation partner that you are fully engaged and interested in what he or she is saying. A good guideline to follow is the 80/20 rule, in which 80% of the time your eyes are meeting your speaking partner’s, and 20% of the time, your eyes are roaming as you gather information to say.”
Presence
“The average person speaks between 135 and 160 words per minute, but the average person’s brain works between 400 and 600 words per minute. This means your mind is going a lot faster than your conversation partner’s mouth, which makes it easy for your mind to drift. It’s up to you to stop your mind from shifting away from the conversation and to be truly present. Not only will you be able to fully absorb what your partner says, you will be able to respond in kind, which makes them feel appreciated and understood.”
Nonverbal Feedback
“There’s nothing worse than speaking to someone who gives no verbal feedback. It’s like talking to a wall. Make the effort to give the occasional nod, smile, or other sign of recognition to your conversation partner. These nonverbal cues may seem trivial, but have tremendous impact by showing your interest, understanding and involvement in the conversation.”
Connection
“When you are speaking one-on-one with someone, position your body in a way that creates a safe and welcoming space for him or her to speak openly. Lean slightly in, open up your chest, pull your shoulders back, and fold your hands gently in your lap or on the table in front of you. If you are standing, form a reversed hand steeple, in which the fingers come together to form a point. When someone steeples in the lap area, it means they are confident about what they are hearing.”
Here are a few ways to practice deep listening:
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Set aside distractions: Turn off your phone, remove any other distractions, and give the speaker your full attention.
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Reflect back to the speaker: Paraphrase what the speaker has said to show that you are understanding and paying attention.
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Ask open-ended questions: Encourage the speaker to share more by asking questions that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no."
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Avoid interrupting: Allow the speaker to finish their thoughts and feelings without interrupting.
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Practice non-judgment: Suspend your own judgments and biases while listening to the speaker.
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Be present: Focus on the present moment and the speaker's words and emotions.
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Show empathy: Try to put yourself in the speaker's shoes and understand their perspective.
Remember
Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another - Napoleon Hill
People as miracles?
In a moment of depth: see people as miracles. Melt the fear with wonder and love, and be like an explorer searching the depths of your fellow peer. Yes, their choices, lifestyles, cultures, beliefs, and perspectives can be different, they will be different. The closer people look, act or believe like you, the easier it is to connect.
Do not search for opposites, but for similarities: at the core, you are both driven by either love or fear. You are both energy and came from the same source.
Do not judge, you have not walked in their shoes: you do not know their inner talk, you do not know their battles. It’s quite easy actually: more listening, less talking, less judging. Estimation: you have two ears, and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak. This same concept applies to children: when we talk less to our children, and listen to them more, we gain access to that infinite wisdom. Connect at an emotional level: really listen. This is not easy, it requires selective attention (focus) and no inner voice. Always say less than necessary. You can reduce the annoyance of someone’s stupid belief by increasing your understanding of why they believe it. You learn more when you listen.
Social change only happens through individual change. Your behavior has a ripple effect: like a drop of ink in clear water you change your entire environment with your actions (like your talk). Train on this, delay your reaction. You are somebody else’s environment. The effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is. In conversation: humility, presence, and genuine attentiveness. This may allow you to see the perfect and complete core of every person you encounter.
I can imagine this poses some difficulty. So some practical tips:
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Good questions must come from a sincere desire to learn, rather than as a veiled means of stating your own opinion. Starting point: what does this really mean? It’s not about ‘How can I use this?” or “why is everyone else excited?”. Can you understand the basic principles? Questions are an opportunity to be humbled. Asking good questions is indistinguishable from practicing humanity.
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In conversation: refrain from solving the problem. Less action mode, more listening. If you hear yourself think ‘good’ or ‘bad’ , or categorizing/analyzing, you are not focusing on the other. You are thinking and judging. Note: it is harder for men to listen as they are wired to jump in action mode. Train, and you will find balance.
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If you have problems with no judging or listening: use the rule of 3 in conversation. To get to the real reason, ask a person to go deeper than what they just said. Then again, and once more. The third time’s answer is close to the truth.
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If you have problems with no judging or listening: don’t speak. Say nothing as long as you can (let it become awkward sometimes, refrain from filling those awkward silences with small chatter because in those awkward silences you give room for the important things to surface). Remember: growth is pain, and awkwardness is the pain in your growing relationship with the other.
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Before responding negatively, wait a while and respond later. Perhaps you could word it a little more kindly and respectfully (lovingly). How would your best version respond?
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If you want to help yourself gossip, lie, slander, or condone less, try this trick from communication trainer Shiraz Khan. Imagine the conversations you have are being recorded on camera and then shown at a party where all your loved ones and the people you hold high are present. That person you really want to impress is watching the video as well: how’s that for a powerful visualization? Note: if that person is impressed by you being negative, this might be a fair warning signal: do you really want to become like this person? You become with who you surround yourself.
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Those who hurt others, silently loathe themselves. Don’t get mad, or pity them (= judging), but listen. Discover the core needs that are neglected, creating their pain and causing them to hurt others. When someone is nasty, rude, hateful, or mean to you, pretend they have a disease. That makes it easier to have empathy toward them which can soften the conflict. Remember: it is not you that is soft, the approach is soft. But a soft approach is one of the hardest things to do, it is not for the weak-minded (act mad, or shut down entirely, in ape mode is easy; listening and caring from the care system takes focus). Do it on your own calculation: in general, I do suggest searching for like-minded spirits to enhance your growth, but you cannot escape people that are tuned in on other energies. So if you do; listen, really listen. Learn to discover.
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A guideline: leave everyone better than you found them. You only need to listen, this doesn’t mean ‘change them’. One of the basic needs of humans is to be heard and seen. Hear them, see them, you have no idea how powerful this is. Listen to them, hear them, feel them, and possibly; help them IF they ask for it and IF you feel like it. Do not offer unsolicited advice (especially not if you feel awkward and want to fill the silence gap = you destroy magic).
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If you are still judging: contemplating the weaknesses of others is easy; contemplating the weaknesses in yourself is hard. But it pays a much higher reward.
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If you act badly, it is only a temporary slip-up because you believe in your core you are good. If another acts badly, you think it is a bad character trait (and not a temporary slip-up). This has been the foundation of wars.
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Be strict with yourself and forgiving of others. The reverse is hell for everyone.
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In general, just apply the Golden Rule. The Golden Rule is the principle of treating others as one wants to be treated. It is a maxim that is found in most religions and cultures. It can be considered an ethic of reciprocity in some religions, although different religions treat it differently.
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Being able to listen well is a superpower. While listening to someone you love, keep asking them “Is there more?” until there is no more.
Do this and you create a loving (most powerful) network surrounding you. Bonus: you also get to know new things about others, and yourself in the process. Every person you meet knows an amazing lot about something you know virtually nothing about. Your job is to discover what it is, and it won’t be obvious. Don’t treat people as badly as (you think) they are. Treat them as good as you are.
2. Different types of listening
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The average communication training only consists of 7 percent on the subject of listening. source Do you want to be heard? Then you should listen.
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The key to learning to listen effectively is letting go of your own right and opinions. Thoughts and judgments are helpful, but a problem arises when we cling to them, whether they are positive or negative. Notice how quickly you classify something or someone with your inner voice: beautiful or ugly, interesting or uninteresting, good or bad, agree or disagree. We do not look beyond the edge of our own standpoints. Positions are not fixed, so let them go a little more often and try to listen completely open to other people's stories
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To increase your listening attention, it is important to check what your listening style is. Are you usually only concerned with yourself? Or just with the other? Or perhaps you often focus on both parties. Roughly speaking, there are four different styles of listening, which you could also view hierarchically.
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Automatic listening. You listen on autopilot and are mainly looking for confirmation of what you already know or think you know. The communication that goes with this is superficial chatter.
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Distinctive listening. You check whether the information is in line with your own world view and you mainly listen to what deviates. The focus is usually on what is wrong or what is missing. Lawyers mainly use this form of listening to their advantage. The accompanying form of communication is the debate, the discussion.
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Listen empathically. You put yourself in the perspective and feelings of the other person, without judging them. The appropriate form of communication is dialogue.
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Generative listening. With the other listening styles you are either concerned with yourself or only with the other. In generative listening you use open attention. There is room for the perspective of yourself and then of the other, and for the big perspective. You optimally combine the previous listening skills. You feel the atmosphere, you also listen between the lines and to the real message that lies behind the words. You are open to whatever arises, without judging. Often this form of listening leads to a shared perspective and cooperation.
Quickie: Listen to other people today like a sponge; absorb everything that is said without directly reacting to it or finding anything about it. Only formulate an answer in your head if you are asked or necessary. Try to switch between the different levels. Find out which listening style you are usually inclined to bet on. Also notice how difficult it is to listen without judgment.
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3. To avoid when you listening to others
Avoid the advice exit
Other people's misery is sometimes wonderful. At least, if you can take it indirectly: by means of an order or stretched out on the couch with a bowl of popcorn while the drama splashes off the screen or the pages. But in real direct contact we prefer to avoid the pain of another. You may recognize this: You avoid the discomfort you experience when confronted with someone else's grief by chatting around the hot mess or literally by hiding behind a car when you see the terminally ill neighbor coming. Another well-known coping style for not allowing such empathic pain is the advice turn. if your approach is to actually support someone else, counseling can be very helpful, but most of the time it is aimed at minimizing your own discomfort. It takes courage and stamina to listen empathically to someone's pain, without immediately choosing the easy way of 'If I were you...'.
In the early years of my work as a psychotherapist, I asked myself the question: how can I treat, cure or change this person? Now I would formulate the question like this: how can I build a relationship that this person can use for their personal growth? - carl rogers
People prefer to be understood. Sometimes it is enough to just be present and listen in silence, without 'advising'. When you can bear the pain and empathic discomfort with compassion, you have a stronger listening ability. This makes the other person feel heard and seen. E often thieves come up with their own advice for themselves. Usually the answer is already inside him or her and it only needs to be experienced with someone else's listening ear.
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Interrupting: Allow the other person to finish speaking before you respond. This shows respect and helps create a sense of understanding.
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Talking over others: Let the other person have their say without talking over them or trying to dominate the conversation.
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Being judgmental: Avoid judging the other person or their thoughts and feelings. This can make them feel unheard and unsupported.
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Being inattentive: Avoid distractions like checking your phone or looking around the room while you are having a conversation. This can make the other person feel like you are not fully present or interested in what they have to say.
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Dismissing their feelings: Try not to dismiss the other person's thoughts or feelings. This can make them feel unsupported and misunderstood.
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Making assumptions: Avoid making assumptions about what the other person is going to say or what they mean. This can lead to misunderstandings and create conflict.
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Offering solutions too quickly: Sometimes people just want to vent or be heard, rather than seeking solutions. Avoid jumping to offer solutions too quickly and try to understand their perspective first.
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Being defensive: Try not to become defensive or feel attacked when the other person is speaking. This can make it difficult to have a productive conversation.
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Changing the subject: Avoid changing the subject or steering the conversation away from the other person's thoughts or feelings. This can make them feel unheard and unsupported.
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Avoid multitasking: Avoid doing other tasks or activities while you are listening. This can make it difficult to give the other person your full attention.
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Practice good body language: Use nonverbal cues like eye contact, nodding, and leaning in to show that you are engaged in the conversation.
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Reflect back what you hear: Repeat back to the other person what you have heard them say to show that you are listening and understanding.
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Take breaks if needed: If you start to feel overwhelmed or like you are not able to give the other person your full attention, it's okay to take a break and come back to the conversation when you are feeling more focused.
By following these tips, you can become a more effective listener and build stronger, more positive relationships.
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Silence
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Mixer (count the different sounds)
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Savoring (the hidden choir)
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Listening positions: active | passive, reductive | expansive, critical | empathetic
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RASA: Receive, Appreciate, Summarise, Ask